In alanon they teach you to believe and trust in something greater than yourself. The God of your understanding. This was difficult for me. After growing up in the church, something in me rebelled from it. From the rules. Regulations. Judgement. I always had an issue with the idea that we are weak and needed to be ‘saved.’ But the same circumstances that led me to the doors of an alanon meeting, feeling lost, vulnerable with total strangers, had me awakening to the idea of trust.
I didn’t know it at the time, but the universe had done me a favour by pulling the rug out from beneath me, forcing me into a place of vulnerability, of surrender. As human beings, we want guarantees. We have this deep desire to know that in doing the right thing, we’ll get the right results. I believe now that trust comes when we find the courage to give up the outcome we crave.
A very wise friend and mentor told me that God exists in the mystery, not in the rules, or in a church. She helped me find the courage to lean into the unknown, to embrace the mystery. I learned we all must go through the dark night of the soul, so as to come out on the other side knowing we had what it takes to save ourselves.
It felt like a paradox, but when I surrendered control, gave up the guarantee of being right and stopped letting other people’s opinions of me define me, I learned what it meant to stand in my own light. To feel something I cannot put into words. A sense of greatness, a sense of being cared for. That higher power I’d been searching for as long as I can remember. Still mysterious, yet present, all around me.
A long lost sense of home.